Falco's Tavern
by Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus
Summary: Falco Lombardi runs a bar in the Smash Mansion.
1. Chapter 1

Falco Lombardi whistled as he walked into his new tavern, extending his arms out as he folded them, smirking. "It took me a long while, but I finally convinced Master Hand to let me have a tavern. And man, does it feel good."

Falco proceeded to head forward, taking his place behind the wooden counter as he rubbed his feathery hand on it, mumbling in happiness as Fox McCloud walked in, his face shocked as he watched his avian friend rub the counter.

"...I'll... just be going." Fox stated as he then dashed out of the tavern, feeling awkward.

Falco rolled his eyes as he shook his head. "Figures that you would be against me enjoying myself." He stated as he grabbed one of the bottles of alcohol placed there, opening it up and pouring some wine into an empty glass that was conveniently there as he took a sip of it, sighing. "This... is going to be good."

"...So why did you decide to open up a tavern anyway?" Wolf O' Donnell asked, deciding to be the first patron of Falco's Tavern, with it being past midnight at the Smash Mansion, the clock in the entrance room having struck midnight several seconds ago.

"Oh, it's simple, really. It's so I can be able to enjoy myself and talk to others without having to go into a cockpit and listen to Slippy, Peppy, Krystal, and Fox all screaming nonsense into my head," Falco remarked as he proceeded to shift through the various bottles.

"...So, bird brain, do I have to pay?" Wolf asked as he pulled out a black purse, with some wolf stamps on it. "Because I don't have much..."

"Oh, tonight is on the house. Don't fret." Falco remarked as he began juggling some of the bottles. "What drink will you take?"

"...Scotch. Leave the ice." Wolf snapped as he closed his eyes, shaking his head. "I was skeptical about coming here since you just started, but I need a drink to get that embarrassing match I just had out of my mind..."

Falco nodded, and he proceeded to pour Wolf a scotch as the two space animal fighters began talking, with Wolf drinking away as he tried to keep his posture. Falco always tried to keep things going his way, and whenever it did, it was great. He has made his fighting style more unique as the years went by in the frequent Smash Bros tournaments, and now, he had a new calling for him within the confines of his tournament related residence. Where anyone, fighter or not, could come in, chill, and relax... so long as they didn't have a bone to pick with anyone, that is. Falco loved any chance he could get to kick ass within his own tavern, on the grounds that he could use tactics he'd rarely use in combat.

 _"And that's how I managed to get this place up and running," Falco concluded, as it turned out he was retelling a particular group of drinkers on how he got his tavern in the first place._

 _"Seems like you've got a good place here," Arceus stated as he nodded his llama shaped head, while being able to drink his cup in spite of lacking a mouth._

 _Dry Bowser stirred his cup around as he murmured. "Did it really occur like that? I could have sworn there were more details in there..."_

 _"Heh... why would I want to bother with stuffing in my story with unneeded content?" Falco casually explained as he was cleaning an empty glass with a cocky smirk._

 _Gruntilda Winkybunion rolled her eyes after sipping her drink. "Seems to me that you're bluffing. What do you have hiding from us?"_

 _"Most likely something that isn't worth it..." Dr. Hoshi explained, the purple raptor in the white lab coat getting a glare cast at him by Falco, causing him to shrug in response. "What? I'm just hypothesizing."_

 _Falco sighed as was about to grab some fresh bottles of drinks to pour, when suddenly the tavern was smashed into pieces from Godzilla falling on it, who was battling the Rhedosaurus in an epic brawl of the kaiju._


	2. Chapter 2

Falco Lombardi juggled a couple of empty bottles in his tavern as there weren't that many Smashers inside his tavern, with it being windy outside as Captain Falcon dashed into the bar, glancing around.

"Yo Falco, have you seen anything suspicious?" Captain Falcon asked while flexing his muscles. "...Going on recently?"

"...No." Falco remarked as he caught all the bottles he was juggling. "Why? Should I be concerned?"

"Well... not really. I was hoping there would be a chick in here." Captain Falcon stated.

Falco rolled his eyes. "And you wonder why people treat you as a joke."

"Hey, I'm not allowed to have fun!?" Captain Falcon snapped as he clenched his fists. "Way to blow me, bro!"

Falco sighed as he waved his right feathery hand. "Look, Douglas, just calm down, I wasn't trying-"

"To make a scene, yeah I can see where you're attempting to go with it. But it's not working!" Falcon snapped back as he was fueled with rage.

Silence. Falco coughed as he could feel the scene becoming intense, with Ike awkwardly walking in as Captain Falcon glared at the buffed swordsman.

"...can I get some wine?" Ike asked as he approached the bar counter, glancing at Captain Falcon.

"Which particular one do you want?" Falco asked as he checked through the wine catalog.

"Ehhh... just the regular one." Ike remarked with the shrug of his folders. "I wish there was a chicken flavor wine."

Falco squinted his eyes at the buff swordsman as Ike chuckled nervously, forgetting that Falco was a bird himself. Captain Falcon was no amused in the slightest by this.

"That sounds ridiculous." Captain Falcon scoffed as he rolled his eyes.

Ike squinted his eyes at Captain Falcon. "Like you're one to talk, Mr. Punch Man."

"Hey, don't stereotype me for being a stupid fountain of memes!" Captain Falcon remarked as he stood up. "I used to have dignity! I used to be a bounty hunter and a champion of racing!"

Ike just shook his head as he received a generic glass of wine from Falco, who went back to shuffling the various empty glasses as Captain Falcon groaned, sitting back down.

"...I'll have what Ike is having." Captain Falcon asked, feeling defeated.

Falco just nodded his head as he gave Captain Falcon some of the generic wine he handed to Ike, with Captain Falcon deciding to drown his sorrows as Ike exchanged glances with Falco, who shrugged in response.

"Something bugging him?" Ike asked after taking a sip.

"Douglas is just having a bad night." Falco explained as he wrapped his feathered arms around the back of his head. "I know how he feels. Sometimes being associated with a stereotype gets to ya, don't you know?"

"Ugh, don't even get me started. No one stops it with the buff jokes whenever they see me." Ike explained as he moved his right hand around, proceeding to take another sip. "It messes with your mind like something fierce."

"Indeed, and I think that's why the cap is so down." Falco stated as he then began to stock up on some extra supplies, knowing that it might get a bit busier soon.

* * *

It was another quiet day at his tavern. Falco noticed Dry Bowser walking in as the blue feathered falcon was interested, stocking in some ice to help cool off the ice.

"Oh, hello Bowser Bones. What can I do for you, big guy?" Falco asked as he briefly kicked his reflector shield up with his foot to get some movement in his body.

Dry Bowser brushed back his red hair as he folded his skeletal arms together. "Give me one of your strongest drinks, Falco. The author put me in too many of his more... infamous tales, shall we say."

"Lemme guess, it was a fetish fanfic," Falco scoffed as he pulled out some bottles of different alcohol, mixing them up to make a very powerful drink. "I wish I had the kind of temperament you have to manage all these weird obligatory appearances."

"Trust me, you don't know what I have to sit through just to get a paycheck," Dry Bowser spoke as he sat by the counter, with the day beginning to transition to the evening as Falco handed the mixed drink to Dry Bowser, who drank it all up as he then fell on his back, breaking into pieces as he was knocked out cold from the immense power of the drink. Falco was quick to take Dry Bowser's scattered remains and place them in a different part of his tavern, knowing that the skeletal reptile needed this.


	3. Chapter 3

Dry Bowser and Toadette were at Falco Lombardi's tavern, with Toadette being allowed since she looked younger than she actually was, with there being several elderly members inside the bar, all of them having a good time as Falco was juggling various bottles of wine.

"So, what will it be, cute fellas?" Falco asked as he was a bit drunk himself, having drunken some old beer he had stored within the cabinet for weeks.

"Oh, give me a Bud Light." Dry Bowser remarked while rolling his left boney hand around.

"Wait, you drink Bud Light?" Toadette remarked in shock as she tilted her head to the right. "I never knew you had such good taste, DB." She then turned to Falco. "I'll have a Milwaukee's Best."

"Suit yourself." Falco remarked as he grabbed the two bottles of different beers and poured them into two separate empty glasses, with Toadette taking a glass and drinking it all the way as she burped loudly.

"Damn, that's some good shit!" Toadette exclaimed as she proceeded to sip more of the Milwaukee's Best beer.

"It's all acquired taste, kid. Take it nice..." Dry Bowser droned as he slowly sipped his Bud Light beer. "...and easy."

"Yeah, what the sexy bonehead said," Falco remarked, signs of him being drunk getting more noticeable as he drunk up some beer himself.


	4. Chapter 4

**"Yeah, people love to drink." Falco Lombardi remarked in his Brooklyn accent to the camera as he was having a drink himself. "Can you really blame them? They just want to sit back, relax, and get loose once in a while. It's our lot in life after doing all that fighting and smashing."**

"Another one of your finest wines, my man!" Solid Snake exclaimed as he was already quite drunk, having sipped several glasses of wine.

"I think you should watch yourself," Falco remarked as he poured some wine into Snake's glass, who took a long sip and burped as he laughed, proceeding to twirl around as most of the bar patrons glanced at him and laughed, the positive atmosphere in Falco's Tavern being at an all time high.

 **"We often come here whenever we close the doughnut shop," Ganondorf stated calmly to the camera as he and Jigglypuff were drinking butterscotch beer together. "It's such a great addition to the mansion."**

 **"Yeah, but I would argue that we have the better establishment!" Jigglypuff stated as she chugged some beer down her puffy mouth. "The Mario Bros. are thinking of adding a coffee place in our donut shop to make it more variety enhancing. Maybe Falco should find some desperate smoe to do the same!"**

Falco was cleaning the empty glasses at a surprisingly fast rate as he was entertaining the patrons, who were all impressed with the blue falcon's agility and commitment to keeping the bar clean.

 **"Am I showing off a bit?" Falco chuckled as he wrapped his feathery arms around the back of his head. "Perhaps, but hey, I can't be blamed. I'm just giving the guys what they want!"**


	5. Chapter 5

"There's nothing better than the rain," Falco Lombardi stated proudly as he poured himself some wine, taking a sip of it as he heard the rain continuing to come down. "Ahh, that's the stuff."

"Yeah, can you just give me my glass already?" Fox McCloud grumbled as he seemed annoyed. "I'm in a fucking bad mood."

Falco chuckled as he took a search through his beer cabinet. "Ha. You seem bitter, Fox. What's wrong?"

"Yeah, what does the fox say?" Pikachu remarked as he poked Fox.

Fox grumbled as he placed his right hand on his forehead. "Look, I just don't want to talk about it. Please just give me a drink."

"All right, but you have to specify," Falco stated as he began juggling various empty bottles. "I can't be the judge of what you want to drink. You just have to tell me which-"

"JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING GLASS OF WHISKEY!" Fox snapped as he slammed his clenched fists on the table, hissing as he caught everyone's attention.

Falco took a stumble back as he shrugged, shaking his head. "All right, I ain't your poppa." He then smirked as he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and an empty glass, pouring the whiskey into it as Fox glared at everyone glancing at him, with even Pikachu backing off.

"Sounds like Fox boy is having a bad day," Waluigi chuckled as he twisted his mustache.

"I don't know what his damn problem is, but he should learn to knock it off," Shadow The hedgehog added, drinking a glass of Scotch beer.

Fox took the glass of whiskey and drank it up, with Falco watching in amazement as he noticed the vixen ordering another glass.

"...you do realize you have to pay for it, right?" Falco responded with a wink, which prompted Fox to grab him and attempt a fight, only for Master Hand to teleport and break it up, luckily.


	6. Chapter 6

"So, how's the story?" Falco Lombardi stated as he was watching some empty glasses.

"...What story?" Fire Emblem's Roy remarked in confusion.

"You know, the scary one. For Halloween." Falco responded dully.

Roy shrugged. "Well, it all started when I was born-"

"Not that story, stupid!" Charizard bellowed as he slapped Roy across the back of his head.

Roy snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, the other story! Anyway, I was walking around when I saw some-"

"BODY once told me-" Interrupted Shulk as he burped loudly.

Roy slashed Shulk across the body. "Goddamn it, She-hulk, you ruined my tale!"

"You didn't even start!" Donkey Kong pointed out.

Roy blinked. "Oh yeah. So anyway, as I was saying-"

"Boring!" Marth shouted as he drank up his glass of beer.

Roy glared at the blue haired swordsman that looked like a girl. "...It started-"

"BORING!" Marth burped.

Roy kicked Marth in the balls. "SHUT UP! Anyway, it all started when Mario, the princess and I went to dinosaur world on a vacation!"

"This is probably the worst Halloween tale ever..." Falco mumbled as he just rolled his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

_"Why is today so boring!?" Falco Lombardi whined loudly as he placed his wings on his forehead, pacing back and forth in one of the many hallways of the Smash Mansion._

 _"Because you're not bothering to do anything," Master Hand stated as he floated by Falco._

 _"...you know what? You're right." Falco remarked as he slapped himself across the face, making a victorious pose. "I need to make better use of my time!"_

"...and that's why you opened up the tavern?" Pirncess Zelda remarked in disbelief.

"Well, it's one of the reasons, anyway." Falco stated as he poured himself a glass of wine. "You ever noticed how long we often drag out our speeches or sentences, just so that the stories would have enough words in them for people to get hooked on reading?"

"Ugh, he's breaking the fourth wall again..." Shadow The Hedgehog hissed in distaste as he took a sip of his scotch iced glass of beer.

"Not my fault that people don't want to spend their entire day reading boring stories over ten thousand words long," Falco replied with a smirk as he attempted to get one of the nearby empty beer bottles, only to slip on some beer that was on the floor, landing on his back, with several of the bar patrons laughing at the blue falcon's dismay.


	8. Chapter 8

Falco Lombardi was pouring everyone some beer as he watched Toadette and Dry Bowser enter, folding his arms together as he smirked.

"So what brings you two love birds here?" Falco asked with a smirk.

"Oh, it's a special occasion." Toadette giggled as she winked.

Falco squinted his eyes. "Special... occasion...?"

"We're dating, bird brain." Dry Bowser scoffed as he rolled his right boney hand around, getting a bit annoyed. "Just give us the best batch you got."

Falco shrugged as he blinked several times. "Well, okay..." As he was about to get some beer, the GUn Truck crashed through the tavern, knocking down several beer cases and customers as Falco got up to his feet, pissed off. "Oh you did not just go there!" He then summoned his Arwing as he flew after the menacing truck, blasting it several times while circling the Smash Mansion as it crashed into the Smash Mansion, crashing it, WITH NO SURVIVORS.


	9. Chapter 9

Falco Lombardi was pouring some alcohol for his close buddies as it was a rather quiet night, with it raining outside despite it being Christmas Eve.

"So, did all you guys get anything good for Christmas?" Falco suggested as he poured himself a glass of champagne.

"...You mean what we're going to get, or what we're going to give away?" Meta Knight remarked as he was polishing his sword.

"That's what I meant." Falco cleared his throat. "The latter, I mean. That's WHAT I'm saying, yo."

"...I'm not giving anyone anything." King DeDeDe boasted while drunk, his eyes going up and down and all around. "Y'all better give me gifts, though."

"It's better to give, than to receive." Lucario stated as he was taking brief sips of his alcohol.

"That is true. Even if the gift you get is not what you like, it's the thought that counts." R.O.B. pointed out while moving his metal arms vertically.

"True that." Falco remarked as he prepared to take another sip of his drink, only for him to get flattened by a rogue red Landmaster breaking in and going through the tavern.


	10. Chapter 10

"Well... the Super Bowl's going pretty well," Falco Lombardi stated as he was pouring a good amount of his customers several different drinks, with his bar being immensely busy since it was Super Bowl Sunday.

"Who are you rooting for?" Captain Falcon asked while drunk, leaning over the counter.

"Well, I hope the Andross Arwings do better this time. I never realized that Andross revived himself just to be a football coach," Falco stated as he began juggling several empty glasses of alcohol.

"Hey, don't let yourself be shocked by change. It happens to all of us." Ryu stated as he wiped his mouth of the beer dripping from his mouth. "I knew of a fat yellow guy with a white shirt and blue pants who owned the Denver Broncos... what was his name again?"

"I think it was... Peter... Smith?" Greninja hiccuped as he held a picture of Cleveland Brown instead.

Falco was going to say something when he noticed a drunk Bayonetta flying around, showing off her weird ass butterfly wings as she accidentally was shooting off bullets with her gun shoes. Falco sighed as he told everyone to get down, proceeding to pull out his own gun as he fired at Bayonetta, striking her down. This alarmed the security as Master Hand floated into the bar, furious as he was interrupted from watching the big game (for you).

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE, YOU IDIOTS!?" Master Hand bellowed as he crushed his fist, signifying that he was pissed.

"...uh..." Falco stated, with everyone turning their heads to see Princess Daisy farting in tight jeans. "We were... jerking it off to Daisy farting! Y-yeah!"

"Wha...?" Daisy replied confusedly above her brassy flatulence, fanning the air as she was also drunk her gassy ass, occasionally burping as she was leaning over, giving everyone a good view of her sexy farting ass in orange pants. "Who brought the soiled smock?"

Master Hand seemed a bit concerned, because of Falco's weird proclamation of such, and the fact that Daisy had a brown stain on her jeans from constantly farting, but he shrugged it off, not giving enough of a damn as he just went back to watching the Super Bowl. Falco sighed of relief as he motioned his feathers, with all the drunk patrons cheering as they went back to being fellow drunkards with each other, Princess Daisy farting in tight jeans all the while, with the Super Bowl playing on the television Falco recently installed himself in the bar.


	11. Chapter 11

Falco Lombardi hummed as he was crowded with requests for drinks by the patrons, due to it being St. Patrick's Day. A lot of the Smashers, plus some of their non Smasher friends, took the time to get drunk off their asses. With Falco officially having a tavern, it made the drinking process so much easier, and the Smashers every now and then always came by to thank Falco for such an opportunity.

"Aye, I love ya man..." Bowser mumbled as he leaned onto Dry Bowser, hiccuping as his boney counterpart played around with his fleshy cousin's red hair.

"Are you a fairy horder...?" Link burped as he pointed at Shulk, who was in his underwear, stuffing random crap he found on the floor in them.

"You know what's unlucky today? Snakes." Bayonetta whispered, with a chuckle from others as they turned to an angry drunk Solid Snake, who was being held back from attacking by Ike.

Toadette farted a loud tuba poot as she giggled, also being drunk as she burped and hiccuped simultaneously, looking a bit more mature due to taking a bit of a humanoid form. "Oy, I bet ye can't do all this at once!" Drinking up more booze, she then proceeded to burp, fart, and hiccup all at once, receiving applause from the others.

"I'll -BRAP- challenge -HIC- you to -FRRT- that!" Exclaimed a gassy Princess Daisy, who was drinking and farting her fat ass in jeans off, challenging Toadette to a drunken gas off, with Toadette winning due to combining her burps and hiccups.

"It's always so weird here... but tonight is the weirdest..." Falco stated, surprisingly not being as drunk as the others, due to the fact that while he loved drinking himself, he took it easy today due to realizing how much all the adult Smashers wanted to make fools of themselves.

It was so much os a crazed fest of drunk madness, even Master Hand and Arceus were present to be drunk. Of course, several drunk brawls ensued, causing Falco to get in on the action as a failed attempt at restoring some kind of peace in the bar, with Daisy and Toadette farting, hiccuping, and burping all the while.


	12. Chapter 12

Falco Lombardi noticed that Slippy Toad entered his tavern, making the blue bird wonder why his green frog coworker was present at the Smash Mansion, with there being a few bar flies around, figuratively and literally.

"Slippy, what's up?" Falco asked as he eyed the unusual high pitched frog of the Star Fox team oddly. "I normally never see you in a place like this."

"Oh, it's my uncle." Slippy sighed as he sat at the counter, glancing up at Falco. "He's obsessed with Five Nights at Freddy's, and he won't shut up about it."

"So... that crap infected him too?" Falco stated as he began pouring Slippy a cold bottle of beer. "Any particular reason why?"

"No. He just wants to be hip." Slippy scoffed as he took a chug of the bottle of alcohol. "Pah! I remember when we did awesome things for the thrill of life! Not for cashing in on fads of the month!"

"Oh, I hear ya." Captain Falcon belched as he raised his half empty glass. "All anyone thinks of me is my dumb Smash related in jokes, not for any of my awesome races, or bounty hunts."

"...I can see where both of you are coming from." Falco cleared his throat as he held his feathery hands together, narrowing his eyes. "I'm not that much better off myself... jokes about me and pieces of cake... and all that nonsense of me and bread..."

"Can't we all... just get along?" Ganondorf stated, quite obviously being drunk as he was acting the opposite of what you normally would expect him to, wiggling his hips around.

The others just looked at each other as Falco decided to have a drink himself, going back to his slightly more drunk conversation with Slippy regarding 'fads' and 'in jokes'.


	13. Chapter 13

"...so, is there something in particular that brings you back to the Smash Mansion?" Falco Lombardi asked a purple dinosaur with light blue glances.

You'd think with that description, the purple dinosaur would be Barney, or Dino from the Flintstones, but while those two were somehow present there (likely due to Charizard convincing Falco to invite them during a very drunk night), there was one third dinosaur of purple color who happened to have been a formerly recurring presence... a mad scientist mentor who happened to be good friends with Yoshi. That reptilian professor of science?

"Yes, it is I, DR. HOSHI!" Dr. Hoshi proclaimed, accidentally falling on his back as he was a bit too drunk to properly comprehend his settings. "...Err, right, anyway... I just thought of seeing how everyone was doing. I heard you got this lovely bar, which might I add, is an excellent addition to this place..."

"Well thanks doc. I should have had this place installed years ago, but you know how hard it is to convince Master Hand." Falco laughed as he grabbed a nearby empty glass and began wiping it. "The Smashers are being more productive ever since the fourth tournament started. Ganondorf and Jigglypuff both run a donut shop together, I have this bar, Bowser apparently runs a subway shop, and from what I hear, Captain Falcon has his own little coffee shop, too." He smiled as he took a glance at all the bottles he had. "Yeah, a lot has changed here."

"Do you miss it when there were only 25 people living here, as opposed to it having well over 60 characters?" Dr. Hoshi asked as his glasses accidentally fell off his face.

"Oh, definitely." Falco responded as he grabbed the dropped glasses and handed them back to the drunk dinosaur. "But, nothing lasts forever, and you have to get accustomed to change, no matter how big or small it is..."

"Falco, come quick!" Wolf O' Donnell exclaimed as he panted, his right hand on his chest. "Snake is drunk with power again!"

"If you excuse me." Falco stated as he pulled out his gun, placing a 'Out For Dinner' sign on the door leading into his bar as he followed Wolf to handle Snake, with

Dr. Hoshi and the other two drunk dinosaurs of purple looking at each other, wondering whether to keep drinking or just faint.

* * *

Falco came back to his tavern, having finished a spectacular amount of melees and brawls as he was willing to get back into doing some bar work as the mansion's sole bartender, prepared to enter when he noticed all the beer that was soaking up the floor, making him scream angrily.

"What the hell happened to my tavern!?" Falco snapped as he demanded to know what caused this predicament.

Falco then heard some crazy giggling, turning his focus to the far back to see Crazy Hand drunk off himself.


	14. Chapter 14

"You know what I'm gonna miss?" Fox McCloud stated as he took a sip of his glass of beer.

"What?" Pikachu commented as he perked his pointy ears up.

Fox took a sigh as he glanced up at the ceiling, watching the ceiling fan spin constantly. "Miiverse."

"...why would you miss that heap of crap?" Marth scoffed as he walked in to get a drink.

"BECAUSE IT WAS FUN, SHUT UP!" Fox snapped as he then proceeded to land several combos on Marth, injuring the pretty blue haired anime swordsman.

"...I'm not going to ask." Falco Lombardi stated calmly as he was just cleaning several of the bottles, getting the dust off of them as he knew how prone to anger Fox was.


End file.
